There is no love apart from the deeds of love; no potentiality of love but that which is manifested in loving.
--Jean-Paul Sartre
Newcomer
Sometimes I wonder if I can give or receive love. When I think about my past in active addiction, there was passion and drama, but not a lot of love. There hasn't been much of it in my recovery so far either.
Sponsor
What exactly are we talking about when we talk about love? Many of us - and this was certainly true of me - have used this word primarily to describe a fantasy. We imagined that somewhere there was an ideal person who could meet all our needs and make us whole. Love meant rescue or a problem-free relationship. When we didn't find it, we bewailed our loneliness and bad luck.
Love is not something that is bestowed on us. We can create it, everyday. It grows in each of us as we take actions that affirm our respect and caring for others and ourselves. Love is not limited to romantic encounters, but extends to our daily relationships with other people, including our friends and members of our communities. Love is not in scarce supply. Our acts of kindness and service and our practice of genuine tolerance renew love in the world and in our hearts.
Today, I add to the abundance of many kinds of love in my life.
Come visit us at 202.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Life
"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."
Don't forget to drop by and visit 202 and learn about the exciting things going on. Don't forget about the Centennial Group picnic at Centennial Park this Saturday. See the eralier blog with the info.
Don't forget to drop by and visit 202 and learn about the exciting things going on. Don't forget about the Centennial Group picnic at Centennial Park this Saturday. See the eralier blog with the info.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Don't Forget The Picnic On Saturday
This from the Steering Committee of the Centennial Group
Just a reminder about the BBQ on Saturday, I hope you see you all there! If you can bring a side dish to share that would be wonderful!!
Also, there were a few questions regarding the Centennial Group’s affiliation with 202. As it states in our traditions, we are not affiliated with the Friendship House, and this BBQ is not intended to be a fundraiser for 202. We have actually been planning this for quite some time, and only recently decided to donate the proceeds to the Friendship House. Hope that clears it up J
See you all on Saturday
Come visit us at Friendship House
Just a reminder about the BBQ on Saturday, I hope you see you all there! If you can bring a side dish to share that would be wonderful!!
Also, there were a few questions regarding the Centennial Group’s affiliation with 202. As it states in our traditions, we are not affiliated with the Friendship House, and this BBQ is not intended to be a fundraiser for 202. We have actually been planning this for quite some time, and only recently decided to donate the proceeds to the Friendship House. Hope that clears it up J
See you all on Saturday
Come visit us at Friendship House
LIVE AND LET LIVE
Come visit us at Friendship House
Never since it began has Alcoholics Anonymous been divided by a major controversial issue. Nor has our Fellowship ever publicly taken sides on any question in an embattled world. This, however, has been no earned virtue. It could almost be said that we were born with it. . . . "So long as we don't argue these matters privately, it's a cinch we never shall publicly."
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 176
Do I remember that I have a right to my opinion but others don't have to share it? That's the spirit of "Live and Let Live." The Serenity Prayer reminds me, with God's help, to "Accept the things I cannot change." Am I still trying to change others? When it comes to "Courage to change the things I can," do I remember that my opinions are mine, and yours are yours? Am I still afraid to be me? When it comes to "Wisdom to know the difference," do I remember that my opinions come from my experience? If I have a know-it-all attitude, aren't I being deliberately controversial?
****************************************
Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought for the Day
I have real friends where I had none before. My drinking companions could hardly be called my real friends, though when drunk we seemed to have the closest kind of friendship. My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure or profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go halfway and to be met halfway, openly and freely. Does friendship have a new meaning for me?
Meditation for the Day
There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.
***************************************
Thought for Today
"If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you,
but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."
--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
****************************************
Buddha/Zen Thoughts
Even if you seek tranquility, delight in goodness, and search for the source, if you don't meet someone with genuine true knowledge and understanding, it will turn instead into major error. The fault lies in false teachers.
-P'u-an
********************************
Native American
"Mothers must protect the lives they have helped to bring into the world."
--Haida Gwaii, Traditional Circle of Elders
Every child is subject to the seeds each adult plants in his/her mind. If we plant praise and "you can do it", the child will grow up with certain predictable behavior patterns. If we plant ideas that there's something wrong with you or you're good for nothing, the child will grow up with predictable behavior patterns. We need to honor and respect the mothers who protect the children and plant positive seeds for their growth.
Great Spirit, bless each mother and give her courage and faith.
*********************************************
Keep It Simple
The universe is full of magical things waiting for our wits to grow sharper. --- Eden Phillpots
How nice to have the fog lifted! Sobriety lets our wits grow sharper. We can go after our dreams and ideas. We can listen to music and sing. We are part of the magic of the universe. At times we may not feel very magical, but we are. Our spirits hold much magic. Sobriety is magic. We work at making the world a better place. In doing so, we get magical powers. Power that heals and comfort others. Power that heals and comforts others. Powers to understand things that before we could not. Powers that let us see the world as we’ve never seen it. Enjoy the magic and use your powers wisely!
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, let Your magic enter and fill my heart.
Action for the Day: I’ll list four magical powers I have from being sober.
Never since it began has Alcoholics Anonymous been divided by a major controversial issue. Nor has our Fellowship ever publicly taken sides on any question in an embattled world. This, however, has been no earned virtue. It could almost be said that we were born with it. . . . "So long as we don't argue these matters privately, it's a cinch we never shall publicly."
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 176
Do I remember that I have a right to my opinion but others don't have to share it? That's the spirit of "Live and Let Live." The Serenity Prayer reminds me, with God's help, to "Accept the things I cannot change." Am I still trying to change others? When it comes to "Courage to change the things I can," do I remember that my opinions are mine, and yours are yours? Am I still afraid to be me? When it comes to "Wisdom to know the difference," do I remember that my opinions come from my experience? If I have a know-it-all attitude, aren't I being deliberately controversial?
****************************************
Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought for the Day
I have real friends where I had none before. My drinking companions could hardly be called my real friends, though when drunk we seemed to have the closest kind of friendship. My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure or profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go halfway and to be met halfway, openly and freely. Does friendship have a new meaning for me?
Meditation for the Day
There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.
***************************************
Thought for Today
"If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you,
but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."
--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
****************************************
Buddha/Zen Thoughts
Even if you seek tranquility, delight in goodness, and search for the source, if you don't meet someone with genuine true knowledge and understanding, it will turn instead into major error. The fault lies in false teachers.
-P'u-an
********************************
Native American
"Mothers must protect the lives they have helped to bring into the world."
--Haida Gwaii, Traditional Circle of Elders
Every child is subject to the seeds each adult plants in his/her mind. If we plant praise and "you can do it", the child will grow up with certain predictable behavior patterns. If we plant ideas that there's something wrong with you or you're good for nothing, the child will grow up with predictable behavior patterns. We need to honor and respect the mothers who protect the children and plant positive seeds for their growth.
Great Spirit, bless each mother and give her courage and faith.
*********************************************
Keep It Simple
The universe is full of magical things waiting for our wits to grow sharper. --- Eden Phillpots
How nice to have the fog lifted! Sobriety lets our wits grow sharper. We can go after our dreams and ideas. We can listen to music and sing. We are part of the magic of the universe. At times we may not feel very magical, but we are. Our spirits hold much magic. Sobriety is magic. We work at making the world a better place. In doing so, we get magical powers. Power that heals and comfort others. Power that heals and comforts others. Powers to understand things that before we could not. Powers that let us see the world as we’ve never seen it. Enjoy the magic and use your powers wisely!
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, let Your magic enter and fill my heart.
Action for the Day: I’ll list four magical powers I have from being sober.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Are You Having Fun Yet?
. . . we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 132
When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped of the guilt and remorse that cloaked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I am taking myself too seriously --- and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program --- a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate --- are well worth the effort.
****************************************************
Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought for the Day
Alcoholics are people whose drinking got them into a "blind alley." They haven't been able to learn anything from their drinking experiences. They are always making the same mistakes and suffering the same consequences over and over again. They refuse to admit they're alcoholic. They still think they can handle the stuff. They won't swallow their pride and admit that they're different from ordinary drinkers. They won't face the fact that they must spend the rest of their lives without liquor. They can't visualize life without ever taking a drink. Am I out of this blind alley?
Meditation for the Day
I believe that God has all power. It is His to give and His to withhold. But lie will not withhold it from the person who dwells near Him, because then it passes insensibly from God to that person. It is breathed in by the person who lives in God's presence. I will learn to live in God's presence and then I will have those things which I desire of Him: strength, power, and joy. God's power is available to all who need it and are willing to accept it.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may get myself out of the way, so that God's power may flow in. I pray that I may surrender myself to that power.
*********************************
Thought for Today
"Aim at the sun and you may not reach it;
but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed
at an object on a level with yourself."
--I. Hawks
*************************************************
Buddha/Zen Thoughts
Let us live in joy, not hating those who hate us.
Among those who hate us, we live free of hate.
Let us live in joy, free from disease among those who are diseased.
Among those who are diseased, let us live free of disease.
Let us live in joy, free from greed among the greedy.
Among those who are greedy, we live free of greed.
Let us live in joy, though we possess nothing.
Let us live feeding on joy, like the bright gods.
*********************************
Native American
"Our true enemies, as well as our true sources of strength, lie within."
--Willaru Huayta, QUECHUA NATION, PERU
A long time ago, the Creator put inside the human being the secrets to the laws of life. We usually know this is true even though we may not know what these laws are. If something goes wrong with our lives, we usually fix the blame on something outside of ourselves. We tend to give up accountability. One way or another we say, "It's not my fault." We need to realize that all permanent and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out. If it's meant to be, it is up to me.
Oh Great Spirit, let me realize fully that my problems are of my own making. Therefore, so are the solutions.
*********************************
Keep It Simple
Sex, like all else between human beings, is never perfect. --- Theodore Isaac Rubin
Addiction made our sex lives a mess. Maybe we wanted prefect sex or we wanted no sex.
We were afraid. Maybe we wanted a high from sex we just couldn't seem to get it. Some of us had lots of sex partners; some of us had none. What now?
We're doing what we need to do by being in recovery. We're getting to know ourselves. We're living by our real values. We’re being honest with ourselves and others. We're learning to love and care about others. It's open, honest caring we express with our bodies. Thus, sex can be trusting and safe.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I turn over my sex life and my will to You---Just for today. I know You want me to be happy.
Action for the Day: What do I believe about sex? How does it match with what's said in the third paragraph above?
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 132
When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped of the guilt and remorse that cloaked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I am taking myself too seriously --- and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program --- a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate --- are well worth the effort.
****************************************************
Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought for the Day
Alcoholics are people whose drinking got them into a "blind alley." They haven't been able to learn anything from their drinking experiences. They are always making the same mistakes and suffering the same consequences over and over again. They refuse to admit they're alcoholic. They still think they can handle the stuff. They won't swallow their pride and admit that they're different from ordinary drinkers. They won't face the fact that they must spend the rest of their lives without liquor. They can't visualize life without ever taking a drink. Am I out of this blind alley?
Meditation for the Day
I believe that God has all power. It is His to give and His to withhold. But lie will not withhold it from the person who dwells near Him, because then it passes insensibly from God to that person. It is breathed in by the person who lives in God's presence. I will learn to live in God's presence and then I will have those things which I desire of Him: strength, power, and joy. God's power is available to all who need it and are willing to accept it.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may get myself out of the way, so that God's power may flow in. I pray that I may surrender myself to that power.
*********************************
Thought for Today
"Aim at the sun and you may not reach it;
but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed
at an object on a level with yourself."
--I. Hawks
*************************************************
Buddha/Zen Thoughts
Let us live in joy, not hating those who hate us.
Among those who hate us, we live free of hate.
Let us live in joy, free from disease among those who are diseased.
Among those who are diseased, let us live free of disease.
Let us live in joy, free from greed among the greedy.
Among those who are greedy, we live free of greed.
Let us live in joy, though we possess nothing.
Let us live feeding on joy, like the bright gods.
*********************************
Native American
"Our true enemies, as well as our true sources of strength, lie within."
--Willaru Huayta, QUECHUA NATION, PERU
A long time ago, the Creator put inside the human being the secrets to the laws of life. We usually know this is true even though we may not know what these laws are. If something goes wrong with our lives, we usually fix the blame on something outside of ourselves. We tend to give up accountability. One way or another we say, "It's not my fault." We need to realize that all permanent and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out. If it's meant to be, it is up to me.
Oh Great Spirit, let me realize fully that my problems are of my own making. Therefore, so are the solutions.
*********************************
Keep It Simple
Sex, like all else between human beings, is never perfect. --- Theodore Isaac Rubin
Addiction made our sex lives a mess. Maybe we wanted prefect sex or we wanted no sex.
We were afraid. Maybe we wanted a high from sex we just couldn't seem to get it. Some of us had lots of sex partners; some of us had none. What now?
We're doing what we need to do by being in recovery. We're getting to know ourselves. We're living by our real values. We’re being honest with ourselves and others. We're learning to love and care about others. It's open, honest caring we express with our bodies. Thus, sex can be trusting and safe.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I turn over my sex life and my will to You---Just for today. I know You want me to be happy.
Action for the Day: What do I believe about sex? How does it match with what's said in the third paragraph above?
Friday, September 24, 2010
The Greatest Discovery
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that people can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." William James,
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Original Manuscript For The Big Book To Be Made Public
This from the Washington Post:
For millions of addicts around the world, Alcoholics Anonymous's basic text - informally known as the Big Book - is the Bible. And as they're about to find out, the Bible was edited.
After being hidden away for nearly 70 years and then auctioned twice, the original manuscript by AA co-founder Bill Wilson is about to become public for the first time next week, complete with edits by Wilson-picked commenters that reveal a profound debate in 1939 about how overtly to talk about God.
For more click here
For millions of addicts around the world, Alcoholics Anonymous's basic text - informally known as the Big Book - is the Bible. And as they're about to find out, the Bible was edited.
After being hidden away for nearly 70 years and then auctioned twice, the original manuscript by AA co-founder Bill Wilson is about to become public for the first time next week, complete with edits by Wilson-picked commenters that reveal a profound debate in 1939 about how overtly to talk about God.
For more click here
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Fall Bash
The Board of Directors of Friendship House are pleased to announce that this year's Fall Bash fundraiser has been scheduled for October 23, 2010. More information to follow, but tell your friends and mark your calendar.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Centennial Group Picnic
Hey Y'all,
If you have never been to an AA picnic you don't know what you're missing. The Centennial Group which holds their meetings at 202 Friendship House is having it's annual picnic on October 2nd at, where else, Centennial Park.
The festivities start off with games from 3 PM to 5 PM, food from 5 to 6, Speakers from 7 to 8:30 and live music from 9 to 10:30. All proceeds will go to Friendship House.
Hot dogs and hamburgers provided. Please join us and spread the world about this great time for fellowship.
How many times have you heard…”I got sober at 202” or “when I first got sober, I used to go to meetings at 202”????
A bunch…and maybe you have even said it like I have.
202 aka The Friendship House is in need of financial support. It survives pretty much exclusively on a percentage of basket collections.
Friends we need to make sure the doors stay open!
If you have never been to an AA picnic you don't know what you're missing. The Centennial Group which holds their meetings at 202 Friendship House is having it's annual picnic on October 2nd at, where else, Centennial Park.
The festivities start off with games from 3 PM to 5 PM, food from 5 to 6, Speakers from 7 to 8:30 and live music from 9 to 10:30. All proceeds will go to Friendship House.
Hot dogs and hamburgers provided. Please join us and spread the world about this great time for fellowship.
How many times have you heard…”I got sober at 202” or “when I first got sober, I used to go to meetings at 202”????
A bunch…and maybe you have even said it like I have.
202 aka The Friendship House is in need of financial support. It survives pretty much exclusively on a percentage of basket collections.
Friends we need to make sure the doors stay open!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
My Not Drinking Bothers Friends
This from today's CNN web site:
By Megan Knash, The Frisky
September 7, 2010 11:42 a.m. EDT
Some drinkers feel uncomfortable while imbibing around people who don't drink, writer says.
(The Frisky) -- At a recent dinner party, my friend's roommate poured guests another glass of white wine. It smelled crisp, cold, and juicy -- clearly the sort of wine that prickles the gums, softens the face and transforms a summer evening into one soft-hued hum.
She stopped at me. I held up my glass of sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider. "Cheers," I said.
Three years after quitting drinking at the age of 27, I've accepted my role as the non-drinker at any given dinner party or social event. I'm happy with my decision to teetotal, but some of my peers are less so -- for example, my friend's roommate.
"So you're not drinking? At all? Really?"
I insist I'm fine with my cider.
Life without alcohol demands strategy. For example, most dinner parties don't provide a non-alcoholic beverage, so I bring my own -- something with garnish and flair, something as fancy as the alcoholic option: organic lemonade with strawberries, slow-brewed ginger ale with candied ginger, iced green tea with homegrown mint.
At gatherings, fellow guests ogle my drink, share if they're so inclined, ask some questions and then relax.
Usually, people are more interested in what's in their own glass. So much so that people forget: 1) I didn't drink last time; 2) I am not currently drinking; and 3) I won't be drinking in the future. Even after telling new friends a dozen times I don't drink, they still offer me alcoholic beverages at parties or picnics. It must be unfathomable --or maybe just forgettable -- that a 30-year-old woman wouldn't tipple.
The Frisky: 15 life tips every woman needs to know:
When I first quit drinking, having to say no to cute cocktails and slender-stemmed wine glasses filled me with bottomless shame. I've since grown into my life as a non-drinker -- a life without starting awake covered in sweat and wringing my hands as I fumble to recall what I said or did in the previous hours -- and embraced my choice to abstain.
I relish the benefits, too. I sleep like a kitten. I feel clearer and calmer than I ever did during my decade-long stint with booze. I enjoy beautiful mornings. I don't let secrets slip.
If people really want to know the brutal truth of why I quit, I tell them. I blacked out. I behaved badly. I couldn't predictably control my intake. I made poor decisions. I experienced gut-twisting, head-imploding hangovers. Anxiety choked me. But these truths are a buzz kill.
So when people ask me, I'll usually say things like, "It didn't work for me anymore." Or, "I come from a long line of alcoholic depressives, and I thought it would be smart to stop." Or, "My drinking days are over, but I'll still par-tay with you!" Then I shake my tush and grin.
The Frisky: 6 best hangover remedies
I'd like to think these answers demonstrate I'm not humorless or judgmental. It doesn't bother me that other people can still drink when I can't. Some people can't eat shellfish or wheat. But I accept that I'm largely powerless as to whether others misinterpret my choice as an admonishment of their own lifestyle.
After clearing plates in the hot apartment, our party sat down with dessert and fantasized about fall-weather activities.
"There's apple picking in Long Island," I suggested.
"We could stop by the vineyard on the way back," said the roommate.
Consensus swept over the room. It was decided: to a vineyard, we would go.
"I can be the designated driver," I laughed.
"Here you propose this wholesome activity, and I suggest we go have drinks instead. You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
It wasn't the first time the roommate asserted what I must think of her.
At the first party we attended together, while she poured her second glass of wine: "You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
The Frisky: 10 celebrity excuses for their DUIs
During an evening at a Thai restaurant when she described her previous evening's date at a bar: "You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
In fact, I don't think she's an alcoholic, only that she's self-centered to believe my personal choice somehow indicts her.
Later that night, she addressed me with an alternative to the winery.
"We could pack a picnic to eat at the orchard and buy some apple cider to drink. Only the rest of us could spike ours with a flask of whiskey and enjoy a real drink. A real drink!" She eyeballed me for a reaction and laughed. I laughed too.
The Frisky: 30 things every woman should quit doing by 30
A real drink. An adult beverage. Where do we learn these terms? Recently, my husband, who quit drinking at the same time I did -- not because he had a problem but because he never enjoyed drinking all that much to begin with -- was asked by a fellow lawyer why he wasn't having "an adult beverage."
"Listen," he said to her, "I'm a 30-year-old man. Whatever I'm drinking is an adult beverage."
Anyway, as adults, shouldn't we make decisions based on our own preferences, strengths and weaknesses rather than allowing social norms to dictate our behavior?
I couldn't figure out why the roommate kept bringing up my dryness that evening, but I suspect the threat of having a non-drinker in the midst is that, when folks are drinking together, everyone -- except the abstainer -- is going somewhere. Together. On a journey. Booze softens the edges. It massages the ache of unspoken words. It dissolves the perceived boundaries among people. When you're sober, especially if you want to stay that way, you have to be at peace with where you are. You have to believe you're already where you need to be.
There are a lot of young recovering drunks out there who could be benefit from their drinking peers' acceptance and support -- or at from their least social tact. I chalked up the roommate's behavior to callousness or insecurity. Her nightlong needling didn't send me shuttling to the bottle, but someone with less time sober might not have the same tools, the same carefully constructed self-respect, or the same support network as I.
For many, drinking versus not drinking is the difference between life and death. Harping on a vegetarian for not enjoying meat at a barbecue is galling and insensitive, but if the vegetarian breaks down and heads out for a hamburger after the party, she won't die.
An addict who picks up a drink after being nit-picked by her peers might despair and throw herself off a building or just sink back into the groove of self-destruction and self-hatred that could come to define her life.
If someone makes the difficult choice to quit drinking, it's quite possibly to save her life, not a commentary on anyone else's and definitely not an issue to be mocked or interrogated at a social gathering.
I'll raise a solemn -- and sober -- glass to that. Now, who's game for some ass-shaking?
By Megan Knash, The Frisky
September 7, 2010 11:42 a.m. EDT
Some drinkers feel uncomfortable while imbibing around people who don't drink, writer says.
(The Frisky) -- At a recent dinner party, my friend's roommate poured guests another glass of white wine. It smelled crisp, cold, and juicy -- clearly the sort of wine that prickles the gums, softens the face and transforms a summer evening into one soft-hued hum.
She stopped at me. I held up my glass of sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider. "Cheers," I said.
Three years after quitting drinking at the age of 27, I've accepted my role as the non-drinker at any given dinner party or social event. I'm happy with my decision to teetotal, but some of my peers are less so -- for example, my friend's roommate.
"So you're not drinking? At all? Really?"
I insist I'm fine with my cider.
Life without alcohol demands strategy. For example, most dinner parties don't provide a non-alcoholic beverage, so I bring my own -- something with garnish and flair, something as fancy as the alcoholic option: organic lemonade with strawberries, slow-brewed ginger ale with candied ginger, iced green tea with homegrown mint.
At gatherings, fellow guests ogle my drink, share if they're so inclined, ask some questions and then relax.
Usually, people are more interested in what's in their own glass. So much so that people forget: 1) I didn't drink last time; 2) I am not currently drinking; and 3) I won't be drinking in the future. Even after telling new friends a dozen times I don't drink, they still offer me alcoholic beverages at parties or picnics. It must be unfathomable --or maybe just forgettable -- that a 30-year-old woman wouldn't tipple.
The Frisky: 15 life tips every woman needs to know:
When I first quit drinking, having to say no to cute cocktails and slender-stemmed wine glasses filled me with bottomless shame. I've since grown into my life as a non-drinker -- a life without starting awake covered in sweat and wringing my hands as I fumble to recall what I said or did in the previous hours -- and embraced my choice to abstain.
I relish the benefits, too. I sleep like a kitten. I feel clearer and calmer than I ever did during my decade-long stint with booze. I enjoy beautiful mornings. I don't let secrets slip.
If people really want to know the brutal truth of why I quit, I tell them. I blacked out. I behaved badly. I couldn't predictably control my intake. I made poor decisions. I experienced gut-twisting, head-imploding hangovers. Anxiety choked me. But these truths are a buzz kill.
So when people ask me, I'll usually say things like, "It didn't work for me anymore." Or, "I come from a long line of alcoholic depressives, and I thought it would be smart to stop." Or, "My drinking days are over, but I'll still par-tay with you!" Then I shake my tush and grin.
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I'd like to think these answers demonstrate I'm not humorless or judgmental. It doesn't bother me that other people can still drink when I can't. Some people can't eat shellfish or wheat. But I accept that I'm largely powerless as to whether others misinterpret my choice as an admonishment of their own lifestyle.
After clearing plates in the hot apartment, our party sat down with dessert and fantasized about fall-weather activities.
"There's apple picking in Long Island," I suggested.
"We could stop by the vineyard on the way back," said the roommate.
Consensus swept over the room. It was decided: to a vineyard, we would go.
"I can be the designated driver," I laughed.
"Here you propose this wholesome activity, and I suggest we go have drinks instead. You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
It wasn't the first time the roommate asserted what I must think of her.
At the first party we attended together, while she poured her second glass of wine: "You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
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During an evening at a Thai restaurant when she described her previous evening's date at a bar: "You must think I'm an alcoholic!"
In fact, I don't think she's an alcoholic, only that she's self-centered to believe my personal choice somehow indicts her.
Later that night, she addressed me with an alternative to the winery.
"We could pack a picnic to eat at the orchard and buy some apple cider to drink. Only the rest of us could spike ours with a flask of whiskey and enjoy a real drink. A real drink!" She eyeballed me for a reaction and laughed. I laughed too.
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A real drink. An adult beverage. Where do we learn these terms? Recently, my husband, who quit drinking at the same time I did -- not because he had a problem but because he never enjoyed drinking all that much to begin with -- was asked by a fellow lawyer why he wasn't having "an adult beverage."
"Listen," he said to her, "I'm a 30-year-old man. Whatever I'm drinking is an adult beverage."
Anyway, as adults, shouldn't we make decisions based on our own preferences, strengths and weaknesses rather than allowing social norms to dictate our behavior?
I couldn't figure out why the roommate kept bringing up my dryness that evening, but I suspect the threat of having a non-drinker in the midst is that, when folks are drinking together, everyone -- except the abstainer -- is going somewhere. Together. On a journey. Booze softens the edges. It massages the ache of unspoken words. It dissolves the perceived boundaries among people. When you're sober, especially if you want to stay that way, you have to be at peace with where you are. You have to believe you're already where you need to be.
There are a lot of young recovering drunks out there who could be benefit from their drinking peers' acceptance and support -- or at from their least social tact. I chalked up the roommate's behavior to callousness or insecurity. Her nightlong needling didn't send me shuttling to the bottle, but someone with less time sober might not have the same tools, the same carefully constructed self-respect, or the same support network as I.
For many, drinking versus not drinking is the difference between life and death. Harping on a vegetarian for not enjoying meat at a barbecue is galling and insensitive, but if the vegetarian breaks down and heads out for a hamburger after the party, she won't die.
An addict who picks up a drink after being nit-picked by her peers might despair and throw herself off a building or just sink back into the groove of self-destruction and self-hatred that could come to define her life.
If someone makes the difficult choice to quit drinking, it's quite possibly to save her life, not a commentary on anyone else's and definitely not an issue to be mocked or interrogated at a social gathering.
I'll raise a solemn -- and sober -- glass to that. Now, who's game for some ass-shaking?
Monday, September 6, 2010
An Interesting Link
I was just introduced to www.silkworth.net and I hope you find it as interesting as I did.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
WILLINGNESS TO GROW
If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 8
Sobriety fills the painful "hole in the soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continual spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application from the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow.
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Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought for the Day
"Be careful not to brand new prospects as alcoholics. Let them draw their own conclusion. But talk to them about the hopelessness of alcoholism. Tell them exactly what happened to you and how you recovered. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If they are agnostics or atheists, make it emphatic that they do not have to agree with your conception of God. They can choose any conception they like, provided it makes sense to them. The main thing is that they be willing to believe in a Power greater than themselves and that they live by spiritual principles." Do I hold back too much in speaking of the spiritual principles of the program?
Meditation for the Day
"I will never leave nor forsake thee." Down through the centuries, thousands have believed in God's constancy, untiringness, and unfailing love. God has love. Then forever you are sure of His love. God has power. Then forever you are sure, in every difficulty and temptation, of His strength. God has patience. Then always there is One who can never tire. God has understanding. Then always you will understand and be understood. Unless you want Him to go, God will never leave you. He is always ready with power.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may feel that God's love will never fail. I pray that I may have confidence in His unfailing power.
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Thought for Today
AA is not a self improvement program. We come here to learn to live with our limitations.
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Buddha/Zen Thoughts
In the gloom and darkness of the night, when there is a sudden flash of light, a person will recognize objects; in the same way, the one with a flash of insight sees according to reality--"This is how sorrow works; this is how it arises; this is how it can come to an end; this is the path leading to that end."
-Anguttara Nikaya
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Native American
"Everyone has a song. God gives us each a song. That's how we know who we are. Our song tells us who we are."
--Charlie Knight, UTE
As we start to walk the Red Road and as we develop ourselves as Warriors, a song will come to us. This song is given to each of us from the Great Spirit. Whenever we sing this song, we will receive courage and strength not only for ourselves but if we sing this song for others, it will also help them. The song will give us power and make us feel really good. The song will make us see life in a sacred way. If you don't have your song yet, ask the Creator in prayer if He will give you your song. With the song comes a responsibility - the responsibility to act and conduct oneself as a Warrior according to your song.
Oh my Creator, let me live my song. Let my song honor Your way of life. Let me sing my song each day. At the end of today, let my song tell people who I am. I am a beautiful child of the Creator.
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Keep It Simple
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible . . . --- First half of Step Nine
In our illness, we harmed people. In Step Nine, we are to make amends. Making amends is about asking people we have harmed what we need to do to set things right. But making amends is more than saying, “I'm sorry.” If you ran a store and someone had stolen five dollars, you wouldn't want them to just say, ”I'm sorry.” You'd want the person to pay back the money. The same is true with amends.
Many people we've harmed ask only that we don't repeat our mistakes. Respect their wishes. Step Nine has healed many wounds. Step Nine allows us to grow up. Step Nine help us regain faith in ourselves. Remember, the best amend we make to all is to stay sober.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, give me courage. Help me face the trouble caused by my disease. Make me ready to help other heals from the harm I've caused.
Action for the Day: Today, I'll pray that those I've harmed will heal. I will be responsible for my actions.
New Meeting Proposed
Hello all,
I got a call from Sherry at the Samaritan center yesterday. They are looking to add an AA meeting on Tuesday nights in the slot from 7:30 to 8:30 or 8:00 to 9:00(she wasn't sure). I told her that I personally couldn't commit to it since I'm already doing the Sunday night Lifesavers meeting out there on odd numbered months, but that I would put my feelers out this morning and try to get back to her tonight. I know that's short notice, but if any of you have any interest or know of someone or some group that might, please let me know and I will pass it on to Sherry.
Thanks and have a great day!
Eric Martin
I got a call from Sherry at the Samaritan center yesterday. They are looking to add an AA meeting on Tuesday nights in the slot from 7:30 to 8:30 or 8:00 to 9:00(she wasn't sure). I told her that I personally couldn't commit to it since I'm already doing the Sunday night Lifesavers meeting out there on odd numbered months, but that I would put my feelers out this morning and try to get back to her tonight. I know that's short notice, but if any of you have any interest or know of someone or some group that might, please let me know and I will pass it on to Sherry.
Thanks and have a great day!
Eric Martin
Committee Lists Posted At 202
The sign-up lists for Membership, Internet and Fund-Raising Sub-Committees are now posted on the bulletin board at the bottom of the stairs. Please stop by and sign up and point out the list to anyone you know. Let's keep the momentum going.
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